There were days that I had trouble breathing.
Days I was so overwhelmed with the sudden loss of us that I simply couldn’t get my head around it.
My heart so heavy in my chest I thought it might fall into my stomach and explode.
Pressure on my lungs so hard I thought I would suffocate.
But, I kept on breathing.
There were moments, at night in bed, when I was fighting the demons you left in your name I got overwhelmed and scared I would not survive. Times when I was so exhausted fighting I was convinced I did not have any strength left. Still countless battles followed and I survived.
I felt like letting you go would swallow me.
At times I thought this was the end of me. That you used up all my love and left my heart like an empty coffin. Still, I find tiny crumbs hidden in the darkest corners.
There were moments it felt like I had nothing left to give. Moments I doubted myself and everything I ever did before the crash of us.
But I understand I can never rewind history and I wouldn’t want any second chances for us.
This is me accepting that we have died. And I will forever mourn over it. This is my heartache and this is me wrapping it in gold. This is me rising from the ashes of the fire. Knowing we could have been the best but turned into the worst and accepting that.
This is me knowing that life goes on and this is me being grateful for it. Every single day.
But don’t you ever dare for a second think I did not bleed for it.